I’m not going to lie. I kind of want another. Another baby.
I say kind of because I’m not sure. I’m not sure if I actually want another or if I theoretically want another. In many ways, I feel finished. I have these three gorgeous critters, these happy and healthy little beings, no doubt my best creations by far, and it feels perfect. In many ways, in important ways, our family feels complete.
But. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. Her. Yes, I assume she would be another girl. Indeed there are moments when I daydream about another character in our story, wonder what she would be like, who she would be.
But. There is this thing called Reality. And there is also this thing called Marriage. Yup, I have a partner in this madness. And he tends to be the voice of reason. And he says we are done. And I think he’s right.
But still. I will continue to dream. There’s no harm in this? Or is there?
*
Do you think I really want another kid or am just having a hard time admitting that my family is complete as is? Are you still adding to your family (if you have one) or are you finito?
You are speaking my thoughts exactly. I have 3 beautiful sons, and am entering my child-end years but I want a girl….
I went through this this past fall and winter. I hated being pregnant, the memory of labor STILL send chills down my spine, I was never even all that crazy about the newborn stage (except the snuggles. LOVE THE SNUGGLES), but out of the blue, for several months, I longed for another chance. One more baby. Once more on that crazy ride.
Out of the question for us without surgery (or a miracle), so I had to just ride it out, but I was surprised and a little bit pleased this past month to look at friends’ newborn pictures and realize that, as much as I wanted to snuggle those particular brand-new babies, I no longer had any desire for one myself.
Curiously enough, I also turned thirty a couple months ago. I’m wondering if, for me, some of my desire was connected to that impending milestone, and once I passed it, faded away.
i understand how you feel -
for me, three was where it stopped… i did consider having a fourth and even yearned for it a bit… but when i stopped, i found i was able to really be content and focus upon what i had vs. what i felt i didn’t have…
i think it is that knowing that there will be ‘no more’ that gives us pause… really? no more new babies to hold in the crook of your arm? we miss it because it is so very precious… good thing there are those who serve as the reality check or one could build a rather large family!
i love having my 3 – with their different personalities and roles… and i can give them all attention in a day, for the kind of attention may shift, but it certainly doesn’t dwindle… mine are 20, 16 and 12…
i know that being in the taxi-ing years i often think that i can juggle being in two places at once, but three is undoable… and so i cannot imagine more than that!
but i understand your dreaming…
How I understand this. Even while pregnant with this baby, I have some crazy desire to have another (and another…). I think, for me, it’s hard to accept that my desire to have around 6 kids is not going to happen – at least not naturally. And that ache? I understand.
Oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I can’t tell if it is just because I’m approaching 39 and a big neon sign is warning that time is running out, or if it is just what mary jane said … their different personalities and roles are compelling, and I’d be so curious to see a third or fourth fit in to this wonderful little family of ours.
Are you done? I don’t know. I don’t know how you ever know that you’re done. They’re such lovely little creations, these children of ours, and I haven’t got a clue how we distinguish between the love of all that potential and the reality that we’re ready for another life-changing experience …
We are both done and not done. As you know, we are continuing to grow our family through adoption, but we are done with pregnancies. Just yesterday I was holding our 6-month-old and saying to GAP, “We will never be here again, and I try not to think about it because when I do I die inside a little bit.”
Our adopted child will be at least eight months old when we take custody, and probably closer to 16 months. So after SSP reaches toddler-hood we will never have another baby. And while that makes me sad I have to remember how much fun the toddler years are. There is joy in each phase.
I can relate, too! I am 35 and have two kids. The baby is about to turn one. We are really strapped financially right now, so it’s hard to imagine how we could afford another, but I always imagined having a bigger family. It’s strange to go through milestones with the baby NOT knowing whether it will be the last time.
I know this feeling too…but I think it’s totally natural to start yearning for another baby when your baby has turned into a toddler! I wonder all the time that if circumstances were different (and I still had a uterus!) if there would be a number 4…probably. I envisioned, boy, girl, boy, and girl- the perfect balance of course!
But there’s also a great relief inside of me knowing that my family is complete and I am looking forward to moving past these years of baby/toddler and into the years of having kids in school, etc.
This question has been on my mind almost constantly since my baby (#2) turned 1. Hubby definitely wants another but I am very uncertain. Can I handle it? I stay home and the jump to 2 was big for me. But if I’m being completely honest, it’s knowing that I want a girl so badly and if we had another boy, the little hope or maybe possibility is a better word, would be gone. Problem is, it’s hard for me to live with decisions unmade, and although I am not ready now and actually have many present moments when I feel our family is perfect as is, I feel like I need to know the plan. So for my birthday 2 weeks ago I gave myself a year to just be and take the question off the table. I hope time will bring a certainty or the “baby urge” that I don’t have right now. I don’t want to have regrets…but I want to feel done or not…decisively.
I think it’s only human to dream that you want another bsby. I also think, that in a marriage a couple can have any many babies as God sends you. In the end, it’s not you, or your husband, it’s God. God always has the final word. Happy Dreaming and God bless you.
You are one of my inspirations to start a blog. Thank you for being authentic and vulnerable in your blogs. I created a blog at http://cradlecatholic3.blogspot.com/. Hope you can check it out when you have a chance.
I wonder if this is correlated to the number of siblings we have. Since you had more than 3 siblings in your house that is why you may go back and forth between whether or not your family is complete. Regardless of what you decide your family will be perfect for you either way!
I think you believed, when husband said three, that you could lure him into four…eventually. That it was a soft date, not a hard date. That it was written in pencil, not pen. That, “he would come around.”
I think you are far too cognizant that three is the new black for privileged city mothers…and it irks you, personally, that three is nothing special. That it is perceived that way. That you are different from these other moms bc you are a mother with four sisters! You ALWAYS imagined four girls. Three makes you indistinguishable; with four, your family would match your internal perception of who you are.
I think, in your social group, three is not enough to distinguish you as the
mother goddess…not enough to justify the disconnect between your limitless
potential pre-mom, with your realized “accomplishments” since.
People would be more sympathetic/impressed/in awe if you had four and stayed
at home and
“wrote on the side.”
I believe you will get that fourth kid; everyone knows the
real decision maker in the household is he who has the trust fund. You are humoring dh for now; letting him pretend to make decisions; trying not to emasculate him…but this pink elephant, this uncomfortable role-play, this knowing the real boss IS YOU– is always lurking, no?
You know privately, you’ll win…if not through sheer force of wifely charms, then “by accident.” Why not have this accident at 39? You’re furtile…it will happen. And by then, he might even rejoice.
Good “luck.” You won’t need it…
Aidan is probably too smart to respond to such a transparently bitter comment, but I’ll bite. What you write boils down to a single accusation: that Aidan sees and treats her girls as accessories. Sorry, but she doesn’t. She is about as good a mom as they come, and I know this from ample firsthand glimpses of the kind of mom she is: patient, silly, imaginative, full of fierce love.
As for fantasizing about four – or even more – girls? Hardly a crime, especially when you grew up surrounded by sisters who were and are your best friends. I might have had a similar fantasy, and the minute I had a boy it disappeared and I reveled in all the newness that lay before me. As would Aidan. As would anyone filled with the kind of love that most mothers have for their kids. At the end of the day, that’s what this post is about: love. It’s sad that instead you think it’s about status and power and wealth.
How sad that somehow had to highjack a beautifully candid blog with such venom. I don’t know Aidan personally, so I can’t speak to what C just wrote, but as a reader, I can feel the love pouring out of her words. It’s something I appreciate and am in awe of every time she writes.
WOW – you are a real bitch ha Ricky…
Your jealousy is so obvious that it’s actually sad. I feel bad for you that you can make these conclusion about a person you know nothing about. Must be hard to live with all that negative energy.
What do you know about Aidan’s life, because I know a lot. She is one of my best friends and I will not let anyone talk like this about her.
of course, she would never respond to such low-life comments but I’m different and I can’t hold back.
I’m not even going to bother defending her here – she needs no defending. she is a great mom, wife and friend so I’m just going to wish you luck Ricky – because you ARE going to NEED it – FOR SURE!!
Wow. You are (1) so incredibly clueless about Aidan and her family and (2) so obviously and pathetically jealous. Whatever your problem is, I honestly think you would benefit from professional help. Sooner rather than later.
Not that your comment warrants a response but suffice it to say that if you knew Aidan at all you would realize that you are 100% wrong. She is a present, loving and soulful mother and any desire for more children comes from having a wonderful childhood surrounded by a big family and the joy that her current family brings.
Hmmm, the last comment seems very strange to me. How strange that anyone can know what another believes or what may “irk” them or what someone else’s relationship is like or their social group and what “they” would be impressed by? Very strange indeed, I sense some passive aggression and/or perhaps some deep unresolved grief or perhaps anger?
I wish you luck in your musings, big questions I think every mother on the earth has asked herself at one time or another!! Thanks for sharing what we have all asked and felt as women least least once. xo
Pingback: Do You Love Your Body? | ivy league insecurities
Again, your thoughts so mirror my own. I have three healthy, beautiful children five and under. I feel that while my plate feels very, very full, I would love to have another baby. There is enough love there, I just don’t know if there is enough energy. At 35, I think I might just have to say “this is it” and be forever thankful for what I have.
As someone who has read your blog for awhile now, I am always humbled by the fierce and unwavering love that you feel for your girls and your man. Your post yesterday was filled with such obvious love, devotion to your three girls, and beautiful dreams. And the one who can’t see or understand that love? It’s her shortcoming, certainly not yours.
I hope that you continue dreaming, and thinking, and writing about these things.
I have one daughter who is about to turn 3, and I am about to turn 38. She was a miracle after trying to get pregnant after three years of trying. I always said I wanted two kids, but now I am feeling settled with one. For some reason I feel guilty about that, which is making me unsettled even though I just said I am settled. These are hard choices. Many blessings to you as you grapple with your own feelings.
I had my children later in life so had time for two. Now as they enter their preteen years, I expereinced the same thing with my puppy. I had one, loved it yet recalled the sleepless nights, the training, was I nuts to do it again just a year later? Apparently so- I think it is my change of life need to still be mothering. But I am done at two puppies, or so my hubby says
I always wanted four children. A nice even number. As life turned out, I was blessed with two healthy sons and no more. However, I continued to have baby fever until my youngest was 14.
Am I happy? Beyond words. Is my family complete? That’s like asking if I’m finished growing as a person. My heart will always be open to love. Our family will continue to grow with nieces and nephews. Possibly someday with daughters-in-law and grandchildren. But for right now I would say that our family is in balance for this period of our lives.
Ooooooo – I understand your state. I was there about 12 months ago and now I sit typing this with my beautiful Charlotte Mae in my lap! She has 3 older brothers who are Knights In Shining Armor; always ready to coddle, defend, and entertain their little sister doll.
But you know what is craaaazaaaaay….I actually feel like I could have another! But I won’t. But I could. I love each of my children so extraordinarily/unexpectedly much. Love ‘em.
So, yeah. I understand where you are at, Aidan!
I am struggling with this right now badly. My husband wants a vasectomy, I want him to want a baby. If he did, I think that I would be soooo happy. But he doesn’t. And I do. Sometimes. Sometimes I don’t. I can’t decide!