Five of us friends went out for a bite. And it was a wonderful dinner. Delicious food. Interesting conversation. Somehow we ended up talking about order in our homes. Two friends confessed to being total neat freaks. They said that if there is a single toy out of place, they think about it, and feel stressed. They said they make their bed the moment they climb out of it in the morning, that they only feel comfortable leaving home when it is perfectly clean, and everything is in its rightful spot.
Three of us though sang a variation of a slightly different tune. We said that ideally we would like to be fellow members of the neat freak tribe, but that in reality we are a little more lax about the state of our homes. We said that we are not utter slobs, far from it actually, but that we have come to accept a little clutter here and there, the kind of clutter that seems to be part and parcel of a busy life.
Truth be told, it was a fascinating discussion. Not just for its content, but for its complete lack of judgment. We were quick to conclude that this was a matter of personality, that neither approach is necessarily better or worse. We also agreed that this is not just about domestic chaos or clutter, but about existential control.
Anyway, I thought it was worth bringing up here, this question of attitude toward order in our lives and in our homes. Because we all have ways of doing things, and seeing things, and organizing (or not organizing) them.
Are you more compulsive or laissez-faire when it comes to neatness in your home? In an ideal world, would you be more stringent or relaxed in your tidiness standards? Do you make your bed first thing every morning?
No, I do not make the bed every morning. I prefer to leave it unmade because it makes the room feel more cozy. (That’s what I tell myself anyway.)
So, I guess that I’m not a neat freak.
But.
I stress about a messy house. I can’t relax when it’s dirty but I also stress about cleaning it. A silly, vicious cycle.
(LOVE the new place!!!!!)
So interesting because I stress at times too about the chaos, and the mess, even though my overall approach is somewhat mellow. Fascinating how we angst over things we are not quite willing to change, huh? I also wonder whether my attitude toward order will change (or not change) once my kids are grown, and out of the house. Then, it seems, a perfectly tidy house will be much more attainable but maybe I won’t want it – because it will remind me that there are no tiny ones around messing it up… So happy you like the new place, Amber. How are you???? xox
Tooth Fairy story. When I was little and lost a tooth the tooth fairy i.e. my father, always left a note along with a dollar. The note always talked about where the tooth fairy was when she heard I lost my tooth and the route she took to get to my bedroom (“I was having tea with friends in Fairlawn when I got word your tooth fell out. I flew off right away, opting to go the George Washington Bridge…stopped off for a quick bite in New Haven, before getting into Boston”) I loved reading the notes as a kid–as much fun as the dollar. I saved so many of the notes and still cherish them.
Oh, I love this. As a writer, as a lover of story, I just love that your memory of losing teeth is wrapped up in these stories. So so amazing. Really. Thank you, Stacey!
Like you, I would ideally love a really neat, orderly space . . . but the reality isn’t quite that way! I still live with my family but spend lots of time at my boyfriend’s apartment, too, so I’m usually caught between cleaning at both locations — and neither is really “mine,” if that makes sense. I mean, yes, my home is my home, but it’s not mine to change and rearrange and alter. Someday I think I’ll be more dedicated to order!
So interesting because now you have me thinking about one word: “mine.” I’ve never really thought of it this way, but with three tiny creatures underfoot, my home often doesn’t feel like “mine” either. They really do run the show in many ways and they make their messes and, well, we are left chasing. One day, maybe. Or maybe living with a little clutter is really an existential choice of sorts, a manifestation of a preference for imperfection and the story it creates? (Tangent much??)
Laissez-faire! I can relate to the neat freaks in terms of the need for control, but my house is not the place where I practice it. I haven’t made my bed in about 20 years (save after washing the bedding), and I’m totally okay with that. It did occur to me recently that I won’t be able to tell my kids to make their beds if mama doesn’t do it, too.
Your new site looks terrific!
Thanks, Emma! Happy to see you here. Love love love that you haven’t made your bed in 20 years. Yes, there is that whole issue of what we encourage our kids to do when we don’t do it ourselves. My big girls cleaned their room for an hour a week ago and surprised me and I was so floored, and proud, that I immediately took them out for ice cream. Positive rewards, eh?
I think I’m more like you…I would love to be a neat freak, but work and life always seem to get in the way, and clutter abounds. That’s where my every-other-week cleaning lady is critical and completely irreplaceable. As for the bed, that is my amazing Husband’s job. He gets up later than I do, and makes the bed every morning. He doesn’t care so much about having the sheets and blankets all pulled up, but I do, so he does it for me.
Ah, the clash of the ideal and the real. We also have a housekeeper and more frequently than you do. What’s funny is that I am so scared to talk about that here because historically there have been some attacks waged here and elsewhere over the issue of domestic help. But I will say it here – in this little hopefully safe comment box – that I am lucky lucky lucky to have a wonderful person around who helps us maintain some kind of order amidst the mayhem. Another interesting question – which you raise – is what happens when two people who live together have very different visions of “keeping a home”? What then?
I, too, am lucky to have this person who helps me keep control of my life and my clutter. I don’t think that there is anything at all wrong with having a little help. As a matter of fact, at my bridal shower during one of those “give advice to the bride-to-be” games, my mom’s advice to me (and to each of my sisters when it was their turn) was to find a housekeeper instantly. “It will better both your marriage and your life,” she said. And she was right. My husband doesn’t mind dust and clutter at all. I don’t think he even really sees it. But it makes me absolutely crazy. Having some help means that I don’t have to constantly nag him about clutter that doesn’t bother him at all, and I don’t have to clean it all myself just because it bothers me. I think that is how two people with different visions of how to keep a home live together, if you are lucky enough to be able to have some help. I know that this might be an unpopular and slightly controversial view, but I think that the choices made behind the doors of a home are for the people who live there, and them alone. Marriage and family and life are tricky things. There is nothing wrong with saying “I need some help.”
While I love the way things look when they’re all neat and organized, it’s just not the reality of things in my life. I’m okay with it.
Yes, I too love the look of clean surfaces and empty spaces, but day to day, it just doesn’t seem attainable and I am learning to accept that. Thanks for popping by!
I always make my bed in the morning and I am a total neat freak. I think, however, this might have to change if/when we have kids. I don’t know if it’s possible to have a completely perfect home when you have little creatures.
I think it is possible to keep things “perfect” even with little ones – because these friends I am talking about? They do it. And it amazes me. I, on the other hand, am of a different breed. Thanks, Kristen!
I’m not a mother but I fall on the neat freak side.
I’m envious! Maybe one day, I will cross over and my place will always be magazine-shoot-ready. How’s the no booze thing going for you? I am coming up on the five month mark and am very thoughtful about it all – the ups, the downs, the lessons, the longings.
hello friend! I unfortunately fall into the neat freak category. And I say unfortunately because I think that I would be happier if I could NOT be stressed about things being out of place. It’s also unfortunate because I happen to live three lovely non-neat freaks which makes life interesting (and definitely not neat).
Messes mess with my mind, for sure. And, if I don’t make the bed when I get up in the morning, it rarely happens later in the day…
“Messes mess with my mind.” I can totally see how this would be true. I’ve always wondered about the connection between domestic and existential order… Are we clearer in our thoughts when our spaces boast some order? Worth thinking about. So happy to see you here and now I can’t stop thinking about that dinner when I was faking it and we were waxing poetic about exclamation points and laughing so hard… Hope all is well!! xox
I remember you wrote about this before – about the piles of little messes and that we’ll be sad when they’re gone because it means the kids are grown. I think about that often when I look with frustration at the ever-growing piles – of school work, toys, dolls, puzzles, games… one day, they will be gone. And I will be sad. So we live with the messes now (and I don’t usually make my bed which I really can’t blame on the kids in any way
I don’t remember how I kept my house before having kids!
As for loose teeth, Bear’s Loose Tooth is really cute.
And for the first tooth, the Tooth Fairy usually leaves tickets to a play or a show or the circus – my 8-year-old still remembers that the Tooth Fairy got us all tickets to the circus!
Oooh, am going to hunt for that book as I think we are probably a few days away from the big event. And I love that the fairy gave an experience rather than money. Very smart. As for messes, they do frustrate me at times, but I really am learning to see them for what they are – rainbow reminders of life, and this good life. Happy you are here, Peggy!
Neat vs clutter. I love this discussion and especially so because you and your friends were able to have it without any judgment attached.
I lead a class about clutter and I find it interesting how many people have deeper issues folded in with the bed making. All patterns are fine as long as we’re happy, right?
Is the key to greater happiness deeper understanding of one’s self or does there come a point where self examination gets tiresome? These are the things that fascinate me when it comes to clutter and patterns.
Glad you had fun with your friends.
*quick tooth fair story: my son got a note from the tooth fairy, “Keep brushing! love, The Tooth Fairy.” I read it to that little 6 year old boy and his response was, “Love her? I barely know her!”
First of all, that tooth fairy story is incredible. Love it. And your kid is a smart one. I too am fascinated by the question of chaos/clutter vs. order and what deeper things are tied up in the question. So intriguing to think that there are issues mixed in with bed-making… I’d love to hear more about that. And the question of self-examination and whether it can or should have limits is one I think about all the time – probably because I am an endless examiner of self
So happy to see you here at my new place, Rebecca!! xox
PS – I owe you that book!!! Haven’t forgot!
I know you are an “endless examiner”. Part of your charm as far as I’m concerned.
That’s why it’s lovely to find that your bed is not always perfectly made.
I’m so happy you get a kick out of my unmade bed… I’d like to think it renders me lovingly human
Ah, the symbolism is everywhere if we look for it. Thanks so much for these comments (and your thoughtful email) today. Means the world.