My good friend. She made partner in her law firm months ago. And guess what? She just quit her job. That’s right. Made partner and up and quit.
I’m so proud of her.
I’m proud because she didn’t like her job and she’s been talking about leaving it for years. She has two young kids and has been suffering from terrible headaches for more than two years. She attended her daughter’s preschool graduation and had an epiphany that went something like this: Where did the last five years go?
My friend started this job right after her daughter was born. And the last five years have blurred by. And my friend said that realization was the final straw. She gave her notice. And, yes, obviously she had the financial, existential, and emotional wherewithal to make this move.
And I am proud, and wildly supportive, of her choice but I can only suppose that not everyone is, or will be. I imagine she will face the predictable chorus of prudence, the sinister swirl of voices. I imagine, though confident, she will have moments of doubt and fear and what in the world did I just do?
And all of this has me thinking about happiness, what it is, and how much it has to do with other people. Can we only be truly happy if we drown out the oft-conflicting voices that swell around us? And is this even possible, to narrow our focus on the self when there is so much other to contend with?
I don’t pretend to know. I do know one thing though: I am inspired by my friend for waking up and honoring herself and her own sense of happiness by making a bold, and in my mind beautiful, decision. These are the decisions that are never easy. But sometimes it is hard that brings the best reward.
Do you think that in order to be happy we must ignore others? Is it even possible to do this? Is the goal to only let others and their opinions affect us so much? Have you ever made a hard but worth-it personal or professional decision?
Last May, I did the same thing as your friend; I wasn’t happy in my job and I quit. Everyone asked the same question, “Where are you going?” I think I left them quite unsatisfied with the answer of, “We’ll see. No definite plans yet.” A month and a half later, I still don’t have a real plan, just ideas. But I don’t regret leaving. I do miss the money, but it wasn’t worth the lack of fulfillment.
Wow. Good for you. Ideas are everything. See where they lead you. Very inspiring stuff!
This person you write about sounds so familiar!
Thank you for being supportive of my decision. It certainly wasn’t easy to make. In the 6 (yes, 6) weeks it’s been since I’ve given notice, I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating what my next career will be. It seems I can’t give up the notion of being a career woman. I think there are many factors at play with respect to that notion but one of them for sure is that I can’t imagine being home without structure, and it scares me. I’ve decided that I need to give myself a month at home without networking or applying for anything (even if I see job opportunities that look great) so that I can see what it actually feels like to have no structure, as opposed to just imagining what it will feel like. In the interim, I have plenty of things to do that I’ve been putting off for the last five years, such as learning to drive, organizing my apartment, filling out forms so that my daughter can start school in the Fall…they may sound mundane but they are all essential to running a household and they are things that I just haven’t had time for.
I totally get all of this… Good for you for allowing yourself the time to settle in at home, to tackle the small things that actually aren’t so small at all. I must say I am curious to see what you end up doing. This will probably be construed as controversial (by someone, right?) but do you think you could come to view motherhood as a “career.” I wonder why so many of us see motherhood one one side and career on the other when the truth is that motherhood is, in many ways, in very important ways, a career of its own. Is it that it’s unpaid? Not so sure.
Okay, now you have me fretting about all of those forms I have yet to fill out! Eek.
Lunch soon?
To some extent, I do think we have to ignore others to be happy — though I don’t know if that’s completely possible. As I get older, I’m realizing that finding my own happiness might mean disappointing others — parents; friends — and carving my own path. I’m sure your friend is in the same boat: choosing something that will make her happy, but will likely seem strange or wrong to others. That’s okay — we must press on regardless!
Yes indeed. I felt this, and keenly, when I decided to leave my law firm job many years ago. I did not exactly receive a ton of celebratory support. That’s okay. I knew it was right for me and that I would ultimately be much happier. Sometimes, I think about what would have happened if I didn’t walk away when I did – when I was young and naive and full on an enviable and blustery confidence about life… Thanks, Meg!
(seems my comment vanished into the ether of blogland)
i think we don’t forget about other people – it’s just deciding who those people are…
congratulations to your friend – that took courage and was a huge step in self-honoring… and following the inner compass…
as a social species, functioning within the group ensured survival, i think we are hard-wired to a certain extent to try to appease peers and relatives – at certain times and places, it was necessary – to provide food and protection…
i do think it is possible to honor the individual and the group, to strike the balance – we just redefine our tribe… if we can surround ourselves with others searching for the authentic, we thrive and so do they – all are able to operate from their best place and put forth the same…
i don’t come by this from a position of ease – my existence was almost wiped out… and i am in a financially precarious place for the steps i took… but my ‘self’ – who is a mama, sister, daughter, friend – is able to give in ways she never dreamed of… more so, actually…
Such a beautiful and thoughtful comment, Mary Jane. I am intrigued by what you say about honoring the individual and the group… I find myself wondering about this balance and whether it can truly be attained or whether there are times when we put ourselves first and times when we put “group” first and that flitting between these two scenarios is really its own kind of “balance.”
Thanks so much for this addition to this interesting conversation.
You have a brave friend! I am contemplating such a move myself, and it is petrifying and confusing. I find it most difficult to reconceptualize what makes a good life. We are indoctrinated by a certain image of what we should be doing in order to be successful…have a secure job, work eight hours a day, divide time between “work” and “family”. I have not found trying to live this image very satisfying.
Yes, she is brave and I am proud of her and inspired by her. I think that decisions like this are in their very essence petrifying and confusing because they cut to the very core of what it means to live a good and purposeful life. I commend you for thinking big, for pondering big change, for imagining a life that might make you happier.
Thanks, Kendra!
Wow, good for your friend! I miss the career world at times- really miss it. But I know without hesitation that I would feel the ache of missing time with my kids that I can’t get back. That is why I stay home. As it is I wonder where the time is going but at least I know I’m squeezing out as much time with them as I can. It is such a personal choice with no easy answers. Good for her for being honest with herself and having the strength to follow through. For as many naysayers as there are, I bet there are a lot of jealous people that wish they could do the same!
You are so right that there are no easy answers here. And I think these decisions are really personal in that one person might be far happier working while raising kids and another person might be much more satisfied being with her children 24/7. I am just beginning to learn what my ideal is – having a very flexible schedule where I can choose to spend chunks of time working or with my kids and where no two days look quite the same. I know, and fundamentally believe, that I am a better mom because I am also pursuing professional and creative goals and I also know that I am a better writer/thinker because of the priceless and complicated time I spend with my girls… These questions are as fascinating as they are complex, no?
Hope all is well. xox
I 100% agree! The most important thing is to try to figure out what will make you most fulfilled and then strive for it. I know some friends who are moms who are far happier, and better, women and moms because they work. It’s such a personal decision with no right answer. As long as a person can be open and honest with what feels most right to them, then it all falls into place assuming the finances are there to make it a reality. I didn’t mean to imply that staying at home is better. It is just better for me! xoxo
I think we do have to sometimes ignore other people to be happy. Or at least listen selectively – weighing what’s said and choosing what’s best for us, even if it disappoints someone else. I’m a total people pleaser – so much so that I chose my college major based on what other people said I should do. And then, three and a half years into my bachelor’s degree, I changed it. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I was so much happier.
Kudos to your friend for following her heart. Best of luck to her!
Thanks, Leslie. I think so many of us are people pleasers and this makes everything even more complicated. Ideally, as we grow up, we begin to realize that there are a few people that it’s most important to please – ourselves, our closest family, friends. Now you have me wondering how many of us make decisions (big and small) in life for ourselves or for others? Hmmm…
Last year I made a similar decision to leave a law firm job without knowing what was coming next. I didn’t even make it close to partner–I just knew that practicing law in that environment was not what I wanted my life to be about, and it was taking a huge mental, emotional, and physical toll. Leaving was by far the hardest and best decision I ever made. The last year hasn’t been all picnics and butterflies–I am still working on figuring out a more fulfilling and manageable career path–but every time I think back to what things would be like if I were still working at the firm, I am so grateful for the courage I mustered and the support of those who truly understood my decision. Life is short…it just doesn’t make sense to spend it trying to fulfill others’ expectations. A thousand congratulations to your friend on putting herself first.
Life is short. Yes. I think about this a lot. How there are limits on our hours, our days, our moments, our years. How we should try to focus on what matters, on the things that might bring us joy and meaning. I don’t know you, but I applaud you for walking away from a world and a life you knew in your gut wasn’t going to make you happy. That was me. And I haven’t once looked back.
All my best,
A
I believe that to be happy we should be happy for others, or at least acknowledge their feelings (Gretchin Rubin said something about this in her blog The Happiness Project). We should not let the opinion of others affect us. I cannot think of any important personal or professional decision I have made, but I have a friend who did. Recently he was faced with the fact that the company wanted him to relocate or if not, leave the job. He chose the 2nd one, if I were him I would probably choose he same.
I love Gretchen! Isn’t she great? Yes, life is full of twists and turns, and hard decisions and we must come at these decisions with a sense of self-respect and self-love, right? How can we truly love others if don’t love ourselves, and respect ourselves, first?
Thanks, Monica!
Sometimes we have to be very quiet and listen to our own heart. I do believe that there will always be people who “think” they know what’s best for you and sometimes, it’s important to get opinions and advice from family and friends, but when it comes down to the decision making, listening to yourself and only yourself is imperative.
I couldn’t agree more. We need to listen to our own hearts. But this isn’t always so easy, is it? Sometimes when I am quiet and listen I hear conflicting things, a complicated symphony of desires… Thanks, San!
There is a great article in The Atlantic titled, Can Women Have It All? Written by a successful, prominent Princeton professor, the article asks whether women can have the high-profile, demanding career and be an active participant in raising her children. It’s an incredibly tough question to answer and the article gives a lot of food for thought.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/