Believe me. I know. It’s hard to begin things. It’s hard because we don’t know where to start.
But the truth is that beginning well, as Aristotle says, is often half the work. Often if we just decide to start, things will fall into place. The story will come together. Dots will connect. And before we know it, an end will be in sight.
I guess I am just realizing how different so many of our lives would be if we weren’t so scared. To commit ourselves to something exciting and uncertain. To say screw it, I’m going to try this. To look failure in the face and say: Bring it. I can handle you.
Yup, this is a pep-talk of sorts. For all of you.
Mainly, selfishly, for me.
Do you ever think how different your life would be if you were less risk-averse, more willing to begin things, even things at which you might fail? Any clue how to instill in our little creatures the boldness to begin?
You are so right. It’s that first step, which could even be a baby one, that is the most difficult to make. It requires a choice (“the inevitable loss that all choice (however wonderful) has entailed.” Alain de Botton, On Love) and making a choice involves risk. The older you get, the easier it gets, I think. It’s not so scary because you have failed miserably more than enough times at one thing or another.
Kids…mine are 19 and almost 22. One is a calculated risk taker (21yo girl), and one leaps at risk with abandon. I feel it is somewhat determined by personality (wiring). Girlie experiences lovely rewards, not too great and not too bad. The Boy has seen the highest highs and the lowest lows but still gets out there.
As a parent, I’m pretty forgiving and have given them space to make choices (within appropriate boundaries) yet have outlined ahead of time exactly the consequences they can expect. They trust my judgement. However, that’s not to say they always take my advice. They then know that they are accountable (I never leave them high or dry, though). Not a perfect science, for sure.
I love your last line. “Not a perfect science.” Such a thoughtful comment, Gina. I so appreciate your perspective!
Yes- help instilling boldness with the little ones! My daughter is very risk averse at anything she thinks she could fail at. And it breaks my heart for someone so young to have assimilated this message already. It’ sometimes triggers anger and frustration in me when I see it in her. (maybe because its a mirror to my own self?) But I so want to respond with patience, love and….some
practical actions. Can’t wait to read some thoughts on what some more living, productive actions could be! I need something to practice that I can make into a habitual
response.
I think all we can do is encourage our kids (and ourselves, right?) to try new things, to try to transcend our anxieties and fears, right? I am certainly no expert on any of this, but I do think that we should strive to be open and understanding with our little ones and their manifest tendencies. Thanks, Jill!
I am a long time reader but I have never commented. This piece really grabbed me, as I feel paralyzed by my own anxiety and fear to begin new things, “rock the boat”, etc. But, I am trying to stay more true to my core, and not let fear stand in my way. My daughter is 3 and I feel really lucky that my husband is much more willing to follow his bliss than I am, and she is seeing a balanced perspective.
So happy you left this comment, Dana! I think that so many of us deal with an abiding fear of starting things (and particularly things that matter to us) and I am always amazed and awed by those souls who seem to lack this anxiety. Lucky for you that you encountered one such soul! So interesting to think that our kids really are looking at us and seeing how we are dealing (and not dealing) with things in our lives, huh?
Great post Aidan! Well, the first step is always the hardest. If I were less doubtful, I would do more things and not be so scared, not afraid. The difference between “scared” and “afraid” is scared is temporary and afraid is permanent. Eventually once we start something, we keep going. I read an article yesterday on Psyblog titled, “How to Fight Excessive Doubt.” The studies concluded that by doubting our doubt we can dispel our original doubt. Go here to read the article, http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/07/how-to-fight-excessive-doubt.php. God bless you.
Thanks for the link, Monica! Sounds like a very interesting read.
What are you hoping to begin, Aidan? I am curious. And YES this pep-talk is one we need to hear. We need to say YES to opportunities, ideas, thoughts, dreams, hopes; we need not be afraid of failing OR succeeding, or else we may have to live with regret. Love this.
I think I wrote this post as a more general reminder (to myself, to you guys) to just dive in, to just tackle things. I have a hard time plunging into my fiction most days. For some reason, I find it far more daunting than blogging. But every time I begin, every time I just start writing a sentence or a scene, I lose myself and keep going and going… So often in life, it is about beginning, about mustering the simple (or not-so-simple) courage to begin. Thanks, Lucy!
Thanks for the pep-talk! I would accomplish so many more things if I wasn’t afraid to start. Or afraid I’ll pick the wrong one to start with when so many things are clamoring for my time and attention. This topic has been much on my mind lately. I actually just put a sticky note on my computer desktop (sticky notes – favorite thing about Windows 7!) with one word on it. Start.
I do think so many of us have a fear of beginning. I think this fear is complicated – and immensely so – by the reality that there are so many things we want to begin. Thanks, Leslie!
Lead by example!
Hi Aidan,
Big sis N checking in. I am a risk-averse, risk taker – you understand (I fight my fears by plunging into them). My husband and I quit our (great) jobs a year ago to leave Chicago for sunny, beautiful Santa Barbara, CA to improve our quality of life, and it has been an adventure, but also so hard. I fear what I have done to our 3 little ones – they seem to be adjusting well, but… I fear what I have done to my husband’s career (he was ready for a change, but still). I fear sometimes what I have done to my own career and sanity. Life was easier in Chicago. I didn’t worry as much about money there, etc. But then again I didn’t get to sit on the beach and play in the sand with my kids while dolphins swam by. I no longer feel stir-crazy in the winters because I can’t go out with little ones with a -20 wind chill. I’m not sure if SB is my final destination (job frustrations, is it too perfect and snooty?). I am coming to terms with my risk-taking (or should I call it wander-lust) ways. I need to make sure I temper it with common sense. I have to always consider my family in the risk taking equation. So far, I think we are all the better for it. Dad always told us to follow our passions and everything will work out. I think he was right. Hugs and Love, N
N – your first comment! Honestly, it means the world to see you here and to read your words. Thank you. I often think about you and how you and I grew up in the same family and how we are, in so many ways, so different. Particularly when it comes to this wanderlust thing. I’ve said it before, but I think I have wanderlust wanderlust. I wish I were a little more inclined to take risks, to just go for it, to pursue paths unknown. Alas. I happen to be a creature who craves (and genuinely enjoys) security and stability and comfort. I like to know and understand the details of my surroundings. I like to feel like I am home – even though I know that is an ever-elusive concept.
I think marriage and parenting makes all of this much more tricky. Because our desires and dreams literally affect other people – and people we love. When should our personal wishes dictate and when should we put their wishes first? How much should we worry about how our decisions (or lack of decisions, sometimes) affect those that we love most?
None of this is easy. I am realizing more and more – particularly in these “dry” months of mine – that adulthood is tricky terrain no matter what. We can think big, and try hard, and do our very best, but at the end of the day, it’s complicated – this life stuff.
Anyway, much more to chat about. I can’t tell you how excited I am to come visit you all so soon. I look forward to many poolside chats and worry that I might fall madly in love with the West Coast
Love you,
Aidan
I may be the only one who has trouble starting things for the reason of laziness but I’ll throw it out there just in case there are others. Andy Stanley, author, talks about the temptation of choosing happy now over happy later. Happy later is always better quality than happy now and is also more difficult. All too often I opt out of beginning new things because of the effort involved. There is just no excuse for this as God has given me abilities to achieve. Thank you for your thought-provoking topics, all of the comments have inspired me to do better.