Over Labor Day weekend, we attended my cousin’s wedding in Kansas. In a rather surprising and wonderful turn, my cousin asked Mom to conduct the ceremony. I know Mom was caught off guard by this honor, but ultimately flattered and inspired. In the days before the wedding, Mom wrote the words she’d deliver that night. And I’ve included some of them here. I asked her if I could do this, if I could share what she had to say for many reasons, but for two in particular: Because her words are beautiful, and because they ring, and deeply, with truth. I reckon you’ll agree.
Mom’s Words. September 1, 2012.
As you embark today officially on life together, let me assure you that what you are truly doing is joining two lives that are and will remain separate, under the aegis of one marriage that, if prioritized, will keep your two lives moving along side by side.
Instead of one body you will remain two, but those bodies will come together in celebration and pleasure, to give comfort, to render solace and support. Unions, innumerable unions of body and spirit, will inevitably revert to two individual people side by side in a bed, in a car, at a dining room table, on a hiking trail, someday perhaps in a delivery room welcoming a child.In preparing for this night, I, somewhat surprisingly, found a lovely and apt quote from Khalil Gibran that I would like you to hear:
Love one another but make not a bond of love
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls
Fill each other up,
but drink not from one cup.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
Tho they quiver with the same music.You are two people who like each other, who love each other, whose job in that service is to be 100% yourselves, that you may enjoy and partake fully in your own lives and bring that gift to each other.
A bit of advice. Be responsible for your own health and your mental well being. Own your inner aspirations, your doubts and your triumphs. Share what you can but realize that we belong to ourselves and that what makes us uniquely us may be shared with but not shifted to the other.
I wish you tolerance and the ability to compromise. My great hope is that you find a fascination in each other that is never sated, that you carry on a wooing of each other that is never won.
A wooing of each other that is never won… Gorgeous, no? Told you so. Thanks, Mom, for these words. For making me think about marriage – your marriage to Dad, my marriage to my man, marriage as a concept, a paradigm.
And thanks for letting me publish your words here.
♥
Any reactions to Mom’s words? Do you agree that it is important to retain our sense of individuality once we marry? Is there still an aspect of wooing in your own union?
I could not agree more. First of all, I see that beautiful writing runs in the family! But second of all, I absolutely concur that marriage is yoking two lives but not blending them to the erasure of each. I really bristle when I hear language like that, because it’s neither my experience nor, honestly, my aspiration. I think the most beautiful thing that could be said of any marriage is that two people walked side by side for many years. Don’t you? Love this. And you will adore Age of Miracles. I did. Finally, hate to tell you, but Jung says midlife begins at 35 …
xoxo
Yes, love the image of two people walking side-by-side for many years. And this makes me smile because there is a picture of Mom and Dad from the back… They are walking side by side, I think near his childhood home. It was taken in the last months of his life and it is just so simple and beautiful. Mom – do you know the one I am talking about? I want a copy.
I agree that marriage should be about yoking two lives, but I guess I hadn’t thought about it this explicitly until Mom said it in her homily. I think this is an important thing to remember – particularly as we navigate the middle of life, when kids are young and underfoot and time is scarce and we are more in danger of “blending” into a singular family unit. To retain a sense of self during this time is a challenge, but so critical.
I am turning 34 in two weeks, so I guess I better live up this final year before “midlife” officially commences. Eeek.
And, yes, Mom is a beautiful writer. I actually asked if I could attach her name here – to give her more credit for her words, but after some discussion, we kept it at Mom. Indeed another interesting question for future discussion…
I absolutely love this! Thanks for sharing such wisdom:-). You are lucky to have such a mom!
Thanks. Wisdom indeed
“Instead of one body you will remain two, but those bodies will come together in celebration and pleasure, to give comfort, to render solace and support.”
I want to reach out and hug your mom with those words because they convey, and exactly, the way I feel about marriage in general and mine in particular. It was so important to both of us that, when we got married, we retained our independence. We understood deeply that this is what we need to thrive, and I know without a doubt that we were right. I think when you retain that strong sense of self while walking alongside another, that is how to make sure the “wooing” never ends.
I agree that it is so vital to protect our individual selves once we marry. And I think this can be a challenge. Now I am thinking of how married couples tend to start looking alike. This seems in some sense a physical manifestation of a more metaphysical blending, no? And I so love the idea of a continued wooing; of romance big and small, of get-to-know-you conversations, of unexpected gestures. Something for all of us to strive for in our own lives, no?
Thanks, Sam!
I wish I knew your mother – her beautiful words are filled with incredible wisdom.
Thanks, Kristen!
Beautifully expressed and such valuable wisdom. Important to know before marriage, and reminded of again during marriage. I found myself nodding, smiling and tearing up as I read. I’d love to share these words with every teenage girl I know so she would have them going forward, and also tuck them away to give to my own children years from now. Thank you for sharing.
I couldn’t agree more. I think there is some real universal wisdom in Mom’s words and can envision sharing these words with my own girls at some point. I know I wish I had these words when I was about to embark on married life. Hope you are well!! xox
Our wedding anniversary is Sept 1 – we just celebrated 11 years. And I think a couple really has to walk side by side – on the same road, on the same page… keeping your individuality while at the same time working toward the same theoretical goal. And I love the continual wooing and what that implies – definitely key to a happy marriage!
Your mom’s words are wonderful and really give a glimpse at the kind of marriage she and your dad had. Beautiful.
Thanks, Peggy! So cool that your anniversary is September 1 and that’s when Mom gave this homily. Continual wooing – yes. Something we should all strive for in life and in love.
Individuality is what keeps us interesting to our families and close friends.
I love these words by your mother. Just lovely. I quoted the exact same words of Gibran to my sister in her wedding card this past summer.