I love this picture of my big girls during their first week back at school. I love how they are holding hands and wearing their matching sneaks and new backpacks. I love that they have each other. And they do. They have each other and their baby sister as built-in friends, 24/7 play dates. As the middle of five Donnelley sisters, I had this growing up, too. And I know what a wonderful thing this can be, and will be.
But I want them to have friends. Friends that are not sisters. And they already do. Each of them has wonderful buddies, close friends. And now, as they settle into new years at school, there are new friends to be made. And my question is: What role (if any) should I have in this process?
When they were babies, I signed up for classes and went out for strolls. It was my job to meet other moms and their babies. It was up to me to find friends for my little ones. And I did this; I encountered wonderful women and wonderful families; friends for them, friends for me. But now. Now my kids are getting a little older. They are in schools, worlds without me, and they are able to make their own connections.
But does this mean that my job is over? Should I stand back and let them foster friendships? Or should I be there, to make that play date, to engage in that banter with the other parent, to organize that picnic in the park for the new class of Kindergarteners? Is this too much, or the right thing to do? Is there a right thing to do?
Today. The girls are off from school for the Jewish holiday. And as we are not Jewish, I could have taken this as a down day to chill and do an activity or two, but instead I sent an email to Big Girl’s class seeing if anyone wanted to come here for a play date. And a few kids are coming over. And I am looking forward to this, and so is Big Girl. I am looking forward to meeting new people, new friends. And so is she. That’s what matters, right? Right?
The question that lingers for me is: Is this what I should be doing? Or should I be letting her do her own thing, letting these friendships form a bit more organically and what really does that even mean? Are you active or pro-active in planning your kids social calendars, making play dates, helping them forge friendships, or do you hang back a bit more in this department?
I have been thinking a lot about this recently. I don’t know what the right answer is either, but I can tell you I’d rather be at your house for a play date today than going to services with two kids who definitely don’t want to be there. Xo
I’m quite wary of being a helicopter parent in many ways — if kids (friends, not siblings) are fighting over a toy, I try not to step in unless things get violent, etc., as I do believe that learning social skills on one’s own is vital. But funny you should write this today because I was saying to our mutual friend LMR last night that my kindergartner was invited over to play today (school holiday) at a new classmate’s house and I feel as if it’s a rite of passage somehow. At the same time, while she’s making friends on her own the little girl’s mother did email me to set it up. I think you struck just the right balance.
I think it’s tempting to worry, right? That comes pretty naturally to mothers like us. I find when I breathe deeply, somewhere deep inside myself (and sometimes it’s really, really deep and takes LOTS of breathing to access!) I know.
This knowing takes a bit of stillness on my part because I worry what others will think. But the truth is, when the end of the day comes, the only person that matters when it comes to my family is me (and the people who live with me.)
I want to remember that.
Sometimes I like to have friends over. Sometimes I like to be alone. It doesn’t matter so long as I KNOW what I want. THAT’s what I want to be able to teach my daughter. To hear what she wants.
Ah, Rebecca, thank you for your final paragraph, about knowing what you want, and helping your daughter to know what she wants. My child is only 3, but I find myself getting tangled in my head in these conversations a lot— am I doing it right, should we take more classes (we’ve not done any), did I choose the right preschool, should I be doing more math-readiness with her (!) etc…. but the point is: am I listening? Do I know her? DOES SHE FEEL SEEN, UNDERSTOOD, LOVED, ACCEPTED?!?!?! And what can I do to encourage those feelings? Am I supporting her in learning about herself? Can she express her needs and wants? Am I listening?
I, too, appreciate your final paragraph. It’s not only important for them to know what they want, but for us to allow them the space to want different things from time-to-time.
My almost-4-year-old son is highly active and highly social. But the other day when I thought he was playing I found him on his bed with a book. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I just want to be quiet right now, Mommy.” It really struck a chord with me. He gets his disposition from me and I’ve been asked many times what was wrong just because I wasn’t feeling as talkative as usual. We have to remember that kids too have different wants at different times.
It sounds like your daughter is excited, which is a good thing, I think. Yet I understand the worry. As children get older, it’s natural to consider what your role in friendship building is, considering all those years of play dates that precede this point. I believe that you can foster friendships as long as your children lead the way. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job at that.
As a mom to a toddler, I can’t exactly give advice that worked for me. But, intuitively, I say look to your daughters for answers. Clearly, when they were younger, you had to advocate for them (i.e., meet other parents, connect your girls with playmates, etc.). When they’re a bit older, they will clearly be able to advocate for themselves in terms of choosing friends. You’ve entered a gray area, a time of transition. Maybe you ask them about friends they are making at school and use that as a guideline for who to invite over. Or maybe you invite everyone and see the two or three kids your girls are drawn to and use that as a gauge for future get togethers. During transition times, I always seem to have an “a-ha” moment where, after some trial and error, I know what’s going to work best for our son. Hopefully, you will, too.
I think what you are doing is wonderful. I am sure that she will always remember this as a cool thing you did for her. Have fun and don’t worry about what you should be doing, go with your gut feeling and you won’t be wrong.
What I always find interesting are the friendships my mom made with the other moms of kids I was friends with- I think that is also an interesting part of the making friends equation too. As your kids make new friends so do you in many ways. Sounds like a lovely day- you’re a great Mom!
In addition to my response to Rebecca’s comment, I wanted to offer this. I see it two ways:
Learning how to socialize is hard and a life-long endeavor. It is our job as parents to teach our children how to interact with the world, and social skills are a big part of that. Sometimes this will mean getting involved in their social lives in order to help them learn something. Inviting someone over for a playdate might be scary the first time. But by pushing our kids out on that tiny ledge they learn how to step out there, and next time maybe it will feel more comfortable. We should intervene when our purpose is to help them develop social skills.
Conversely, I think it is also important to allow kids to learn how to make and maintain friends via their own trial and error. We learn best from our own experience and if we are playing puppetmaster with our children’s social lives they’ll be robbed of that opportunity.
I think, as with all things in parenting, there will be times to get involved and times to stand back. No easy answers…
Teaching children to socialize is extremely important. Parents have to teach their kids tolerance, acceptance, and how to deal with a variety of personalities. By organizing play dates and planning birthday parties, that include as many kids as the butget allows, a savy mom can foster the skills that build confedence and life long friendships.