Have you had wine yet?
I’ve gotten this question a lot over the past week. And it makes perfect sense. After all, I chose to go public with my yearlong dip into the dry life and I chose to write a borderline-preachy post about reaching my goal. Of course people are going to want to know what’s happened since my project ended.
The answer is yes. Yes, I’ve had wine. And having it again was honestly not at all what I expected. I’m not sure what I expected really. There were no fireworks, no hangovers, no epiphanies. My first sips were neither amazing nor awful but somewhere between the two and now I find myself very thoughtful about what my Year Without Wine will ultimately mean for me. Will my separation from Pinot lead to a full-on divorce? Possibly. Will we get to know each other again, Pinot and me? Perhaps. I’m not so sure. And I’ve decided this is okay, this business of not-so-sureness.
What I want to know is whether this is something I should continue to process here, whether you guys care to hear more. Part of me thinks I’ve now spent an entire calendar year musing on the topic and it’s getting a bit tiresome. Another part of me (oh the endless parts!), perhaps a more profound part, thinks I am just now getting started, that this is really when things will get interesting and illuminating, as I move from the blacks-and-whites of abstention to the glorious grays of I-don’t-know-maybe-so.
What do you all think?
I think that processing here is definitely something that I would love to see – if you want to share it. Thinking about if you want to abstain permanently. Sharing when (and why if you can figure it out or muse about it) you decide to partake in having some wine and when you decide to abstain from having wine?
The project itself was a self-discovery project for you and I am sure that many could relate in some way at some point. But I think this unsureness is so much more universal and the reasons why you would choose would be interesting to see as well.
And I find that so often the case comes with your first “new” sips of wine – something between the amazingness that you used to feel and the awfulness that you thought you might feel (this is, obviously, part speculation as I don’t know you that well).
Now that I’ve finished rambling, have a great day!
Thanks, Elise. First of all, I love and believe in rambling so never apologize for that… But, yes, I think that this continues to be a story and a universal one. What’s interesting, I think, about this “story” is that it is more subtle. I think many people can relate to it even if they would rather not admit that. I had lunch with a friend yesterday who told me that her friend has radically altered her drinking habits because she read my story and can relate and wants to change things up… Anyway, the point is that I know there is something here, something important even if not super-dramatic, and I feel compelled to continue processing.
But then. Then there is the side of me that wants to hang back, to figure this out in the privacy of my life, to not feel motivated to record every thought and doubt and choice. But then I think about doing that, about muddling through without the spotlight I have created here, and I am not sure I would even know how to do that, or whether I would want to…
So so much to think about. But the good thing is that I am thinking and deeply. That’s really the singular aim of this messy, unfocused blog of mine – to give myself the space to think (and ramble!) and to encourage all of you to do the same.
Alas. Time for more coffee!!
xxoxADR
Yes keep writing about it! I forget who said that the extremes are easy it’s the middle that’s the puzzle . This IS the good stuff:) we all go through this whether its wine or something else.
I think there is something true about this, that extremes are easier than the grays… I also think that most of us would prefer not to live a life of extremes unless it is totally necessary, right? I am actually surprised at how okay I am with the fact that I do not really know what my relationship with alcohol will be like going forward. I think I know what it will NOT look like and that is comfort enough.
Thanks, you!
Yes please continue to share your experience! I’m learning so much about myself while reading your blog!
Thanks, Amy! I know that so many people reading are relating and thinking about things in a new way and that many people choose not to raise their hand (or comment) to announce this. I need to remind myself of this. Because, looking back, I do think I would have benefited from glimpsing another person’s story. All of this ties in to questions of why I blog in the first place – is it for me, is it for others, a mixture of both? For me, and endlessly fascinating set of questions.
Please keep writing about it! I know I went radio silent after our e-mail exchange of last fall but I find comfort in your blog and the very fact that I am not the only person with these internal struggles.
I think we all have these internal struggles whether we choose to acknowledge them and examine them or not. Every now and then, I encounter someone who seems to have zero inner dialogue going on and I decide that this is baffling and probably not the case… I know that I am personally most interested in people (and characters) who have rich and complicated inner lives.
Thanks, Sarah!
Yes, please write about it! I have been thinking about you and whether you would try wine again. You are so brave to share such a personal decision and it must be so therapeutic. I would love to do a blog about my life but my college age daughter (a Journalism/English major) said she would be mortified. Maybe I’ll do a private one to start.
It was, and continues to be, a personal decision. But having the wine again was oddly a huge deal and not a big deal at all. I expected it to be revolutionary somehow and it just wasn’t. And maybe the ambivalence I felt about the experience shouldn’t of surprised me, but it did.
So interesting what you say about your daughter. My girls are so young, but I can only imagine that they will have opinions about my blogging one day. Interesting to think about!
Thanks, Cherie.
i’d love to hear more! unpack and ramble away.
“unpack and ramble”… Love that and I think that’s just what I’ll do. In my own way and on my own terms. Thanks!!
I’d love to hear about your continued journey on this issue. It’s something so many of us deal with and your insights are always interesting and inspirational. xoxo
Thanks, Debra. I do think I will continue to think about it here, but probably not in any overly formal/programmed way.
I think you’re in a very maybe-maybe not position. Maybe you’ll drink wine; maybe not. Maybe you’ll write about it here; maybe not. Do you really even have to firmly decide yes or no? I don’t think so. Write here if you feel compelled to write; never feel like you have to share with us. Though, you know we’ll be eagerly reading when you do.
Thanks so much for these words, Nilsa. I think this is truly the way I need to approach all of this. That it is and perhaps should be maybe/maybe not. I will write here when I have things to say, observations to share that I think might be interesting or useful, but I will not create any expectations around doing so. A little easier said than done for me (I am the consummate Expectations Girl), but I will try.
Definitely don’t stop posting on this topic on our behalf. It’s not tiresome at all, and I find these posts to be particularly insightful and interesting. Especially the “maybe so” considerations that prove life is very difficult to arrange into clear-cut columns.
But if it’s your own journey you want to protect, or if you want the freedom to enjoy wine without analyzing every glass, then by all means take a break from writing about it here. You’ve earned it!
Thank you, Phoebe. It’s good to know that I have this space to explore all of this, but that there is no real pressure to do so. I really do think that I can figure out a way to continue to examine all of this without ruining the simple living/experiencing aspect of it all.. I do think the “maybe so” terrain of life is the most interesting.
One more vote in the “don’t stop posting about wine” column.
I don’t think it’s played itself out yet.
I am intrigued by what it would mean exactly for this to “play itself out.” Elaborate!! I guess I am curious because I don’t think this is the kind of thing that will lend itself to a finish line or final resolution – unless that is I just don’t drink at all. As long as I partake, moderately, minimally, but the decision-making aspect is still there, I think this will always be an ongoing question. I do feel confident that all of this will feel far healthier than it once did for me, but I imagine it will still be a murky thing. I like murkiness though
To elaborate — I think you’re only halfway through this story. The first half is what it feels like to abstain. The second half is what it feels like to indulge. And that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will indeed indulge again, but the struggle with indulgence is as much a struggle as the abstention.
Your posts on the subject are not tiresome. Thanks for answering the question as well as saying how it felt and didn’t feel.
I’m on day 80 after drawing a 30-day line in the sand. Taking it a day at a time attempting to abstain from alcohol. Not saying, “Never.” Am saying, “Not today.” Have found I’d rather own my happiness and my sadness than live in a numbed grey coping area.
Day 80! That’s fantastic. I love the “not today” attitude you have. I think that’s a great way to look at things. And I agree on the feeling front. I would much rather feel things and feel them fully – the good, the bad, the uncertain – than to engage in the futility of trying to escape them.
Thanks, Karin.
I’m blogging my year without wine, thanks to your inspiration. I’m incredibly curious to know what life is like on the other side, so my vote is also for the “yes!” column.
I am so excited to read about your year!! Makes perfect sense that you are curious about the “other side.” I have been very surprised about how non-profound it feels to be here. I feel like a different person, my desires are radically different, but all of this feels like not a big deal. Which, ultimately, I think is a really wonderful thing, to get to this point of comfort and confidence with something that once antagonized me so. Thrilled for you!! xox
I say, keep it up. Personally, I am good at extremes, but have significantly more trouble with moderation. I think moderation is fascinating and can’t wait to watch you unpack it. xo
To piggy-back off of Kristen a bit, I am also interested in the topic of moderation. I actually think that’s the more interesting subject. How hard is it to drink in moderation? Is it harder or easier than practicing moderation in other areas of your life? Etc.
Yes, please, continue your processing of the wine with words, here. Your rawness and willingness to seemingly share unedited versions of your experiences are what keeps me coming back to this space (…and, like others, these are experiences I relate to on many levels)! Don’t stop!
I’m so in love with “this business of not-so-sureness” – seriously how fab is that phrase?
{I’m an over-processor, so I get it. You write, I’ll read?}
xo
I would love to hear more. I think, in a way (or for me at least), abstention is so much easier than moderation. I am definitely a creature of extremes. It has been fascinating for me to read about your year without wine, but I think I would be even more interested in hearing about what you decide to do going forward. I don’t think that your journey is complete yet, or maybe none of ours are and will never be, but regardless, I would love to hear more about what you decide to do now that your year is over.
Aidan,
Don’t go back there.
I too am a Mother of 3 girls and have always had a penchant for a glass of wine, never quite managing to find that switch that tells you that two glasses are enough. Almost two years ago I gave up alcohol for 12 months following the death of my Father. Just felt it had spiralled out of control. Those 12 months were amazing, creativity exploded from my every pore, I pursued my hobby of art and photography with a vengeance and even sold some of my work. One Christmas I took a glass of champagne and like you for the first 6 months 8 drank really sensibly. Two years on, I am sitting here with a vile tequila hangover from a night out which is quite a blur or muddled and over exuberant conversations that make me cringe. Hence returning to read your site. Don’t go back….it’s the worst mistake I ever made and now I have to start from scratch. It’s going to be tough but I will try. Please keep writing as this is phase is a really important one. Keep strong and keep the two glass rule!!!
Tx