I had lunch with a friend. We talked about many things: our kids, our lives, our careers. And we ended up trekking in what I’ve always seen for some reason as taboo territory: Envy. We admitted to each other that we feel envy from time to time, particularly when we see someone “in our space” succeeding. I told her something. Something I hadn’t really thought about before. I told her I thought that envy – in small pinches, in tiny doses – is probably a good thing. Perhaps a symptom of caring so much, and so deeply, about things. She agreed.
I brought the topic up with some trusted writer friends. Again, there was agreement. We all feel envy from time to time. There was also agreement that envy very often feels icky and uncomfortable, that it’s an ugly/unhealthy emotion we’d prefer to avoid. And now. Now I find myself wondering where I stand on this. Should we strive to strip our lives of envy or allow ourselves bits of it? I’m leaning toward the latter in part because I’m not sure life without envy would truly be possible?
♥
Do you experience envy from time to time? Do you think we should allow ourselves bits of envy?
The thing I love about envy is that it helps me figure out what I really want. I put a lot of career pressure on myself, especially now that I’ve been out of business school awhile. However, I’m typically envious of people with great life balance- who have great jobs but can also spend a lot of time with their kiddos. This helps guide my own career choices and reminds me to not always be so hard on myself. So I guess I don’t always think envy had to be a bad thing.
This makes so much sense to me and I agree that envy often indicates what we really want and care about. I’ve noticed that when friends have made partner or gotten promoted in their corporate jobs, I feel nothing but happy for them. But when someone I know gets a killer book deal or has a blog post go super-viral, I feel flickers of something I’ve decided is envy. I think we need to pay attention to these flickers, these feelings. I think so many of us don’t know what we want in life, but these feelings are important indicators.
Recently, the most confusing feeling of envy has come vis-a-vis parenting. I actually have a great deal of confidence in my parenting and I have come to rely a lot on the instincts that have developed over the past six years. That said, there are times when I see another mother “succeeding” in such a way that makes me feel envious. OR and this is really tricky, but when I see other kids who are doing things that mine aren’t yet doing (this will always happen), I feel something too. I know this is natural on some level, that we are aspiring and competitive creatures, but still. It doesn’t always feel awesome, you know?
Thanks for kicking of the conversation, B. Happy Monday!
I think that living without envy wouldn’t be a very honest existence. I also think that a lot of the things we envy, like that from the first comment, might actually be envy of something that doesn’t exist. Work life balance is something that we are all working at all the time.
My envy tends to seat itself deeply in the, “She seems so confident, so polished,” while I feel as though I stumble through life disheveled, late and lacking finesse.
Every once in a while, though, my haphazard way of doing things ends up being the best way and the envy fades away.
I think you are right. So often, the things we envy are the things we see rather than the things that really exist. I know that I often see someone “succeeding” as a writer or a mother and I tell myself a little story of how this person has it together and how I don’t and I think things are so much more complicated than this. And, yes, the balance thing. Totally elusive and yet we all keep striving and should perhaps. So much of this is about aspiring, striving, trying. In my estimation, a pretty good way to live our days as long as we are kind to ourselves and realize that many things are simply unattainable.
And I so agree with your last bit too. Every now and then I have a moment of surrender, of sinking in. I tell myself something like, “this is the way I am and do things and maybe it is okay, better than okay” and then, like magic, I believe it is indeed okay, better than okay. Good even. These are really wonderful moments.
Thanks, Amanda.
I think this goes with the age old – everything in moderation. I think a life without envy, like it seems you and the others that have already commented, would not be a real life. Envy can show us what we really care about and what we really want. Envy can guide us to do what we want and experiment with things that we have always wanted to try. So, in that envy is good.
But when it becomes bigger and bitter, it’s time to trade it in for something more constructive.
I’ll keep my twinges of envy for sure. I think they make us all human and are good for the soul. Especially the wandering soul.
Oh, the wondering soul, yes. I think for those of us who are continually asking and seeking and striving, all of these things – envy, self-doubt, uncertainty, insecurity – creep in. But, again, I don’t these things are bad in smaller, digestible doses. I think, as you say, they often point us to what we care about, and feel deeply about.
But, yes, when envy gets big and unwieldy, I think we need to try to figure out a way to control it, to understand why it’s grown so big. Is it because we are stuck in our own lives, spinning and spinning, getting nowhere? Worth thinking about.
Thanks, Elise.
I think that for me, envy is an irregular occurrence – I try very hard to be genuinely happy for others, but there are a collection of a few individuals whose success I envy.
But when it comes to whether or not envy is crippling or problematic for me, I’d have to say that it isn’t – it’s judgment that really gets me. Instead of placing myself in a position of desire regarding the achievements of others, I find myself placing myself above others instead, i.e. “well I’m a better writer/studier/homework completer/mother/wife/daughter/person than he/she is.”
And I’m not proud of this – I have to work on it daily.
Oh how I appreciate your honesty here, Sara. I think the question of judgment is HUGE and would love to explore it more here. I think we all judge and feel judgment and, again, I think part of this is probably totally natural and unavoidable. But it feels icky to judge sometimes and too much judgment can create unfortunate distance between ourselves and others, I think.
All incredibly important to think about. And I plan to.
Thanks, Sara.
I love this take on envy because I think it’s a very human emotion. Like you said, I think it’s something that comes innately within all of us and as long as it’s not something that overwhelms your day to day life, it often offers room to grow. If you can pinpoint what it is that your envying and decide that it’s legitimately something worth your attention then why not try to make a change for the better?
Thanks for your insights!
Dani
Thanks, Dani! I do think that envy (and brethren emotions) really can point out what we really care about and care to pursue in our own lives. Again, I have noticed that I do not feel envious of my peers who are enjoying success in corporate America, but I do feel something when I learn of other “creatives” kicking butt. To me, this underscores that I really do care about being in this world and doing a good job within its confines. The most confusing part for me, as I’ve mentioned, is the feeling of envy in the context of parenting. Somehow, I feel like I shouldn’t feel envious of fellow parents, but sometimes I do, and for different reasons. Not sure why this breed of envy concerns me more than envy in the context of writing/blogging. Who knows. Thanks again for contributing to this conversation! Such interesting stuff.
I don’t worry so much about envy; it’s jealousy i like to keep my eye on. I can name a few instances where jealousy has reared its ugly head, but i can honestly say its never been felt towards a friend. I am frequently envious, and rarely jealous, and I’m completely okay with that.
I think there are a range of emotions (envy being one of them) that are part of human nature. To strip ourselves of those feelings is to move one step closer to living a sterile life. No thanks. That said, we should always be self-aware of how these different emotions affect us and decide how we want to move forward once those feelings have been recognized.
Really interesting post — and I am definitely in the camp of sometimes feeling envious of others (usually when it comes to goals and career stuff), and I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, especially if it keeps that fire burning under me!
Also… I don’t think my being ENVIOUS of someone means that I’m not also HAPPY for them (are the two mutually exclusive? I don’t think they have to be). I think it’s just important not to let it go to far and to remember (as another commenter said) that things aren’t always what they seem. It’s easy to be envious of someone’s successes without knowing how they might be struggling elsewhere, behind the scenes.
xox
As a writer, I think it’s important to value the whole range of human emotions as we experience them and observe them on others. It’s important to respect the humanness of even the ugly stuff. I think you do that, with a great deal of honest and dignity.
I really identify with the way you’ve categorized envy here, Aidan. When envy helps indicate what is truly meaningful to me it’s actually constructive(even though it can feel really icky).
Perhaps a close relative to envy is measuring oneself against another. I am guilty of this: demoting my own accomplishments in light of others seemingly bigger, better successes. I recognize that this train of thought isn’t useful or helpful, but I share to see if others find themselves doing the same?
This got me thinking (always a good thing). Are we more prone to envy achievements born from skill or those that are born from luck? The answer is probably different for everybody, but after some self-reflection I decided I am more likely to go green in the face of the latter. When I see a a particularly impressive piece of writing or well-executed parenting move, my overriding feeling is admiration. This in turn inspires me to work harder. When I see a post that has gone viral solely by being in the right place at the right time or a mother who managed to get a third child (and not a third and fourth
), this is what tends to generate the icky sensation in the pit of my stomach! Because I know it is out of my control. So perhaps what I envy in other people is what I consider their better fortunes, not their better efforts or choices.