I’ve been feeling guilty about something. Last Friday night, I attended a Preschool fundraiser. Husband was sick, so I went alone. I was proud of myself for doing this. I don’t really have social anxiety, but I like when he’s with me for these things. Anyway, at the last minute, I decided I should go solo. And I did.
It was a fun night. I talked to many fellow parents and teachers. I think I ended up talking to more people than I would have had Husband been with me. It was fun to be dressed up, and out for the evening. But here’s the thing: I drank white wine. More than I’ve had on any other night since my Year Without Wine ended.
I had a few glasses. I never felt drunk or out of control, but I felt it more than I have in a long time (read: over a year). It didn’t take me much to get there. I realized that I’d had a bit too much when I popped by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up orange juice for the next morning. Under the bright lights of Duane Reade, I felt a bit tipsy. Too tipsy for my liking.
I didn’t wake up with a hangover. My day was totally fine. But I found myself thinking about this, being bothered by it. Clearly, I am still thinking about it because I am writing these words. The night stands out for me because on all the other nights since January 16, I have stayed away from alcohol entirely or had just a very little bit of it. This night was an outlier.
Anyway, I am realizing something about myself. I need to set limits. I crave limits. More than that, I actually like limits. In an odd sense, they actually make me feel more free. It’s like the six-year-old who protests her bedtime but actually really needs that bedtime and appreciates the enforcement of that early bedtime even though, yes, it is so boring. (Do any of your kiddos complain about the abiding dullness of going to bed?)
Anyway. Just thinking aloud. But thinking aloud is good. And so is forgiveness. So that will be second on my little list.
- Set limits.
- Forgive myself.
As always, happy to have this cozy corner to come to and work through things. I just read this post back and even I was like, Oooh, she had a couple glasses of wine and felt a little tipsy. So what? But it hasn’t felt so so-whatty to me. I guess I just wanted to write through this, to seek some eyes and ears in this ongoing question. Who knows.
Anyway, the rambling must come to an end. Have a good night and come back tomorrow morning to hear about the crazy 21-day cleanse Husband and I started today. Talk about limits!
Forgiveness is so key in this on-going self-improvement process. I set limits for myself, too, or else I would go to extremes. It’s a good thing to recognize in oneself, I think, as it helps fuel further success in life.
I love the honesty of this post. We all overdo things from time to time and feel thoughtful about it after. Any one of us could have written these words, but you have chosen to be open which I so appreciate. And I agree about setting limits. It feels “boring” but it can be such a good thing. Thanks for the late-in-the-day post. A nice surprise!
Thank You for writing this. I feel this nagging guilt from time to time as well. I think it has a lot to do with perfectionism, with expecting too much from ourselves.
Great post. As of 2013 I’ve been trying to quit smoking (among other things) and after being a smoker for 13+ years, it’s been so challenging. I’m down to about an average of 4 a day, compared to the pack a day habit I’ve had for as long as I can remember- but on those nights I occasionally slip up, I go through the same thing you talk about here. Maybe it’s all apart of the process… it’s a battle that goes on.
Thank you for writing this. I SO relate.
I haven’t written my post yet on my thirty-day experiment. I have similar feelings. In some ways it’s an awakening to the life I was living. Definitely different but not necessarily bad.
I definitely crave limits. I think when I put limits on things it is also easier for me to remember that it’s okay to have fun and not do work all the time – because as a bit of a type A personality and slight perfectionist and workaholic I sometimes feel guilty when I don’t get my work done.
Great post Aidan. I am on Weight Watchers right now and I do not think of it as setting limits but more like food boundaries and food consciousness. I like boundaries and the ability to work within them… I prefer boundaries to limits, because to me, limits are just, well, too limiting. What are your thoughts on boundaries vs. limits? They are similar yet different, Yes?
I agree that limits can be very freeing! Perhaps even more so for people who tend to extremes. I am often all-in or all-out. Moderation just doesn’t come easy. That makes zero an easier number than one. I have heard that from others too. With a moderation “rule” I find I’m forever testing that boundary, after all, it’s an arbitrary line in the sand imposed by me. But at least there’s a line. Crossing that line is where forgiveness plays a very necessary role. If you aren’t clear with yourself on what the line is, you’ll end up with niggling guilt over something you didn’t know you’d feel guilty about.
To me, setting limits means you no longer have to think about certain things. For example, if you know your limits is no more than 2 glasses of wine a night, then you’re not going to spend your entire night analyzing how much you’re drinking and whether or not to get that next drink. Instead, it’s very matter of fact. You know which drink you’re on and then you switch to a different kind of bubbly drink. It does free you up to enjoy conversation more and wonder less about how you’ll feel in the morning. Hooray for coming to that conclusion after one fairly benign night out!
I’m only on month 2 of my year without wine, and I’m already wondering what kind of limits I will impose…I know I will have the occasional free-for-all, but for the normal night out, I certainly agree that limits will feel like freedom! Especially as far as getting a good night’s sleep is concerned. If I have more than one or two close to bedtime, then I’m a bit raggedy the next day.
Hi, I m a french woman of 35 and read most of your posts…as I have been through the same thing, for 5 months I completely stopped drinking and felt better than ever, sharper, fresher, ,ore focused, better at work, never depressed, only down for life reasons but not chemical reasons, and almost no more terrible overeatings… I have always been a very happy, energetic, party animal, and for a long time (from 16 to 34!) I thought people expected this from me, and that these after party depressing moments and exhaustment were part of life. I would judge non drinker thinking there was sthg wrong if they were so afraid of “letting go”. Then, the past 2 years, I had more and more guilt the day after. Some parties left almost no memories in my brain. I planned to drink 2 glasses and always ended with more. I had most evenings without drinking wit social life was synonym of alcohol. One day I managed my dearest goal (find a job in Brazil) and decided if I managed this I would manage to stop this guilt and exhaustment, and cut on drinks. I met an addictologue (psychiater) which was very extreme as I am not in the alcoholic category, but I felt I needed help. He told me there is no such thing, when we are an excessive type of person (which has good sides too!) as cutting down. That I had to stop and all would be easier. That one drink is too much and 3 drinks is not enough, for people like me. That alcohol is one of the most toxic drugs for the brain. That we don t have to be late teens all life. That being fresh and sharp will allow me so many new possibilities. So the next day. And……. after 5 months, I wanted to drink just a little bit, in moderation, as I felt I had “cleaned” myeslf, and saw all those wonderful bottles of wine on restaurant tables….. so, I told myself I could drink one, maybe 2 glasses of wine from time to time, that would not change anything to the progress I had done. But each time I would be a little stressed about it, counting my sips, looking at other people level of wine in their glasses, to make sure I was drinking slowmy enough….. My stomach did never enjoy it and my blood pressure, which is quite low, was going lower again. Even with little quantity my sleep was not as good. And guilt was back somewhere. Coffee tasted less fresh in the morning, adding sthg on my liver. But, I did not excess. For 2 months. And, then, I went to this big work convention. First 2 nights, 2 drinks. Third night….. went back to the party, forgetting all the counting. Hanged out with a guy I liked, and, english, so heavy drinker! Spent a month with him, drinking a gin fizz before sharing a bottle of wine, having a glass of wine the next day at lunch…. and, one night, went to an english christmas party, where I had been warned everyone would be hammered, etc… Somehow the old me “I can handle, like a man, I m a party animal, I m not a boring in control woman” came back. Drank way too much. Next day was a nightmare. With a new boyfriend, not at home, in England, trying to look ok but drinking coke all day and feeling depressed and horribly guilty. Why!? Did I do that…..but I realized rationnal explainations don t exist with alcohol. Because it is modifying brain s normal functions, and limits and control are away from possibilities. The addictologue told me if I went back to reasonable drinking one day the environment would make me drink more again. Because I already did it before. Brain has memories. I told him at the time I was stronger than this and my will would be the best arm. Turns out he was right. Since then, I finaly made this move to Brazil, had a new year with 4_5 glasses, and maybe 3 evenings with 2 or 3 glasses, and most nights did not go out as I m setting up my life and need to focus. Or had dinners in restaurant with water. 2 days ago, I had those 3 glasses and felt so tired the next day, as if I had “lost3 myself… I know I should be hyper proud because I managed 3 glasses on a night where my buddies drank 7 or 8 but….. I don t have this innocence any more!!!!! And that is the main point of all this process. You can t go back to spontaneity and just do as if you never tried to cut down. And you should not. Because it is a big progress. Some friends and people I barely knew admired me, and I realized that no one is happy to drink. Alcohol is nothing fun for your brain and body, it is just a legalized drug, and we admit it. But having progressed that much in the sober lifestyle makes it, I realize, impossible to go back. Cousciousness is here. And it IS pressure. But also it is thrilling to be more free than most people. To be a leader, a guide. To not need the stuff. So…..today I read your blog, and other testimonies on internet, because I m down, because I drank those 3 glasses the day before yesterday. And I wanted to share, and to say my advise, that is the simplest way to not contiuously wonder if the plan is to stop or continue, is to stop again. With no time limit. Just to be FREE. More than ever. Good life to you. I am going to make that choice again. I know it now. All the best. Laure
Laure,
I just want to tell you how much I enjoyed and appreciated your story. It is so open and heartfelt and such a gift for you to share your experience with us. I could and can relate to a good amount of what you said.
I wish you all the best, and happy clear days ahead.
Kathryn
I find the moderation more difficult than the abstaining myself, so I will find your journey interesting. I’m cutting back on wine, and finding that I mostly enjoy the evenings I don’t drink more than the ones I do. You would think that would make it a no-brainer decision to just give it up, but gah, sometimes I really do enjoy a glass of Chardonnay. Or two. Keeping it at 2 is the key, because I think it’s around there that willpower goes out the window. I hate hearing that a woman who drinks more than one glass of wine a night is considered a ‘heavy drinker’ by physicians, and can be doing damage to liver, etc. I know I sleep better without wine. But my favorite thing about not drinking, I think, is not thinking about it. Not waking up realizing a drank 3 glasses, or, ulp, 4. Not thinking about what time I am going to have my wine. Not looking for sales at the wine store.