I had breakfast with a friend yesterday. It was meant to be a quick catch-up after we both dropped our kids at school. But we just sat there and talked and talked, ordering more and more coffee. You see, we did the catching-up/chit-chat thing and then we moved on. We moved on to real stuff. We talked about where we are in our respective lives, what we are working on professionally and personally. We talked about our anxieties and our fears and our hopes. We talked about how it is okay, and wonderful even, to have stuff, to struggle, to stop pretending that all is perfect because it never is. It never ever is.
And then we talked about friendship. And this is when it got really interesting. We talked about what it means to be a true friend, to be really connected to another person. We talked about how different friends can serve different purposes. Some friends are there to have fun with, to party with, to shop with. Some friends are brilliant in crisis and will call incessantly or show up with food when you have suffered trauma or loss. Some friends will flit in and out of your life depending on what’s going on in their lives. Some friends are endlessly devoted and dependable and some are much less so. And yet they are all friends.
I think I am realizing more and more how critical friendships are to me. Good, deep, thoughtful friendships. For many years, I think I put boys and then men ahead of friendships. And I know I’ve put my family ahead of friendships, too. And this makes sense to me; it is my family after all. But for some reason in the last couple of years I’ve recognized how central my friends – old and new, online and off – are to my health and happiness.
And I am knee-deep in the drafting of a novel about three friends. The book is in many ways an ode to friendship itself and an examination of how friendship evolves over time as romantic partners and then children enter the picture. Clearly, I am interested in the topic.
Anyway, this is a bit rambling but I do love rambling. I guess I just wanted to come here and say that I am a big believer in making and maintaining friendships well into adulthood and the idea and art of friendship is something I’m taking quite seriously these days. I of course wish there were more hours in the day to call and see all of my friends, but life is life.
Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendship. Do you have a lot of close friends or just a few? Do you have friends whom you can talk to about the hard and messy and vulnerable things in your life? Have you continued to make friends in your adult years? Do most of your friends come from particular times or places in your life – childhood? school years? career? parenthood? Do you agree that different friends serve different purposes and we cannot expect one friend to be everything to us? Has making – and keeping – friends proven easy or hard for you in life? Do you have any online friends whom you’ve never met in “real life”?
(Clearly I could ask and ask and ask some more, but I am cutting myself off and I apologize if this post is a bit less than polished. I am tired and overwhelmed in the best way possible from all of your wonderful comments yesterday. Thank you, guys.}
You were the first online friend I’ve met in real life, and it was a joy – I can’t wait to see you tonight. But in general, I think you know how highly I value friendship, how important my female friends are to me. Mostly, my college friends remain my dearest and so the challenge is meeting people in my adult life who are as wonderful, but that I guess is a high class problem. As I get older my friends become more and more important. I’m turning 40 next year and I’m seriously thinking about celebrating just with my best female friends. xox
Can’t wait to see you tonight too!! I was just talking to another of our online friends last night (DL!!) and we were talking about how totally normal it is for us to have these virtureal friendships with kindred spirits we’ve met online but how it strikes those who are not in this “world” as bizarre. Anyway, I’m just so intrigued by the question of friendship, of the variety of bonds we form for different reasons. I know there are tons of studies that show how vital friendships/connections are for our mental and physical health and I really believe this, and feel this. Perhaps grabbing that coffee or lunch or making that phone call are all as important as doing that spin class. Interesting to think about, no?? Xox PS- please invite me to your 40th
PS I think also there is real meat to the question of whether certain moments in life make us more porous and receptive to friendship – certainly has been true for me!!
Could not agree more. I think there are times in our life when we are preoccupied with things other than friendship and for good reason, but then I also think there are times when we realize, or perhaps should realize, that the pursuit of friendship is really important. I’d be curious to know when people have felt most porous and receptive to friendship as you say? During school years? After marrying? After kids? Really interesting to think about.
Different friends can serve different purposes. I’ve never really thought about it that way, but it is so true. I set such high expectations for my friendships and am disapointed when one does not act like another, or show support in the same ways. Your words today are a great reminder for me to look at how my friendships are different and the purposes that they serve. Also, I look forward to your next novel! Finished Life After Yes a few days ago and loved it
So happy to hear you enjoyed LAY and very much hope you are able to read my next book soon!! I think it really is so liberating to realize that no one friend can serve every purpose, that we must learn to expect different things from different people. I know that once I figured this out I felt a lot less disappointment and also a lot less insecurity about how good a friend I am to others… Thank you, Christina!
This post is timely for me. During our son’s first year, he was the center of our universe. Period. During his second year, while he was still the center of our universe, we started to focus on ourselves as a couple again, too. And, even though our son continues to be our everything as he enters his third year, we have found our groove as a couple and we’re both starting to put more emphasis on our respective friendships, because they are important, too.
For me, moving around a bit as a kid and going to college far away from home and then moving to a city far away from college translated into a constant evolution for friendships. Making new friends hasn’t ever been hard for me (and for that, I’m grateful). Today, I have a handful of friends whom are tried and true and are my core. But, outside of them, I have a large group of friends whom come from many aspects of my life, including work, blogging, running and the community at Gavin’s daycare.
I think it makes ton of sense that we have less energy for making and preserving friendships during certain years, but isn’t it fun when we get that groove and desire back? To connect with new people, to reconnect with old friends? I think that’s what’s happening with me right now. My youngest is almost two and I am feeling more rested than I have in a while and I am realizing how important it is to me to put energy into relationships. Thank you, Nilsa!
Ah, friendships. I have always been one to yearn for deep, close friendships, and to this day, I only have one deep, close friendship. It’s lifelong, it takes work, and it’s worth it. Here’s to finding deep, close friendships, however many, however few, however much work they take.
I really do not think it’s about quantity, but quality. I know that I would rather have a few close friends than dozens of quasi-friends. What matters, I think, is to feel those connections, to know that you have the support and love of people outside your family. Thanks!
This post is so timely, Aidan. I lost a friend on Monday to suicide. I have always been “good” at friendship, even after my daughter was born (she’s 3.5 now), my husband and I really tried to continue to take care of our friendships. But now, with my recent, fresh loss, I have a new appreciation for friendship and community. I am so quick to be busy, to be rigid, to be barely able to fit things in. But what is more important than taking care of each other? Nothing. I would do anything to bring my friend back, but I am also grateful for this wake-up call. We must take care of each other. We must listen, be present. Not because we are trying to save someone, but because we are wanting to connect in a real way. Life is life, but I plan to take that extra second whenever I can for the quick text, the squeezed in lunch date, or the call on my drive home. Moments matter.
I have always had 5-10 close friends, with maybe 3 or 4 people I really count on. I wish I had more of circle of people who were all close. The fact that my friends are from all parts of my life is a little challenging for me. Another challenge is that I am, by nature, an introvert. Getting out of myself to connect is hard, but it is necessary and important.
Much love and blessings to all. Thank you for reading and being there during this hard time for me.
Oh, Dana. I am so so sorry. I can only imagine how hard time this is for you. I have never had someone really close to me commit suicide, but I have known too many people close to people I know who have and it honestly just breaks my heart. I think about these friends often, these friends who have experienced a wholly different breed of loss than I have. I am sure you were a wonderful friend to your friend who is now gone and it is just plain sad that things turned out the way they have. I am really happy you wrote these words today because they introduce a different and important angle to this conversation. We need people. And people need us. We all suffer in small and big ways.
Hang in there. I will be thinking of you. xo
Thank you for writing back, Aidan. It was nice to check back in here again to see your comment and to read the others since I posted.
Online connections count.
xo
I find myself constantly questioning the definition of friend and what qualifies as friendship versus acquaintance. I, too, suffered a little bit from the putting boys and men in front of my girlfriends. It cost me something over time, but my best friend from preschool was my maid-of-honor so I did manage to have some long-lasting friendships.
As an adult and moreover a mom, I find the dynamics of friendship an interesting course to navigate. Just when I think I have the game figured out it seems the rules change.
Anyway, I spent last night with my big girl crying about the dynamics of playing at recess. I found myself crying. This is such a difficult concept, apparently at any age. It’s just hard.
I look forward to your novel and seeing you tonight.
Love and relate to so much of this, Debi. Here’s the thing I’m realizing: I’m not sure there are any rules to adult friendship. I think the best thing we can do is be kind and try to make time to see and speak to the people we care about. We are all busy and saddled with responsibilities and stuff, but to the extent we can find snips of time to make that call or have that breakfast, it is all worth it, isn’t it?
And the whole question of kids and helping them navigate the tricky terrain of interpersonal relationships… My goodness, I am just overwhelmed at the thought of it all. We can help, but we cannot control and I can only imagine this will be heartbreaking at times, right?
So psyched to see you tonight and again tomorrow. What a treat! xox
Love this post– yes yes yes. Friendship so important. Yes on the friend groups – mine are the obvious (college, specific jobs, and now “mom friends.”)
For a time, I thought my nearest and dearest friends were the ones I made between 18 and 25, when life is so difficult and you feel you’ve been thrown the wolves and you also feel like anything is possible! BUT… I’m happy to say that I’ve made friends here in San Francisco during the last five years who I believe will one day be just as dear. that’s a nice thought
I think the saddest thing is to think you reach a certain point in your life and it’s too late to make new connections. I think as long as we are out in the world and are open to conversation and connection, it can happen. And I love this. I’m not sure I knew you were in San Fran. What a wonderful city. Thanks, Rebecca!
Used to live in your great city of Manhattan — but SF is pretty great, too! I feel pretty lucky to call it home. xox
Friendship is one of my favorite topics. My friends are one of the greatest blessings in my life. I have amazing friends. I have friends from elementary school through moms I’ve met this year, from all walks of life. Thank you Facebook, because I’ve even reconnected with friends from early childhood, when my life was based in a state far from where I am today. My girlfriends are my lifeline. They all offer(ed) different things at different phases of my life. I laugh, because some of the old friends I have, I’d probably not be friends with today, if I’d just met them – honestly. I’m also kind of annoying because I refuse to lose touch, even with the ones who are blasé about it! I could go on and on about this as well, but I will spare you. Great post!