I Did It.

So. Today's the day. This morning, I announced that I was doing this thing, this immensely personal and immensely universal thing, over at my non-anonymous blog. I sat there at Starbucks, at my little table, in my own little world, in my own head, and I wrote and wrote. The words tumbled from me, arranging themselves on the screen. And I edited them of course but then I hit publish and I felt so impossibly scared. And also amazed. Amazed that I am doing this, really doing this, living an important, if ultimately small, change in my life. Amazed at how good it can feel to stop hiding, to say something: I am not perfect, but I am indeed wildly human.

Something incredible happened as I was writing: I realized something new. I realized that there is really one paramount reason for all of this: My little girls. They are it. They are everything.I am doing this, whatever it is, I am writing this, whatever it is, for them.

This means many things, that I am doing it for them. I am doing it so that I am a better mom to them, more awake, more clear, more cheerful. I am doing it so that I am happier in general and more fun to be around. I am doing it to model good, and healthy, behavior. I am doing it so that I hopefully live a longer, more full, and more productive life - so I am around longer for them. (The fact that my own father died at 66 is not lost on me.)

I am also doing this because I want to show them that it is okay, in fact good, to be open and honest about life and struggle, that stories are more compelling when they are laced with conflict, with confusion. I want them to know that I am not perfect, never was and never will be, but that I love them deeply enough to try to change.

And so. Today is big. And I feel shaky and scared and absolutely exhilarated. The response already at the blog has been amazing and heartfelt and real and has reminded me that this is not just my story. No, it is really all of ours.

Deep breaths.