I Have Been Holding Back
I have been holding back here. I tell myself it is because I am so knee-deep in writing my book, because my focus is there. That is only partially true. I have been holding back because I have been have a hard time with certain things, I have been asking big questions and feeling them. I have been wondering how much I want to share, whether sharing is a purely good thing or whether it somehow amounts to self-exploitation. I have been holding back, trying to figure this all out, knowing I will never figure this all out.
Guys, yesterday morning, Sunday morning, was the most beautiful morning. My family let me sleep in and after a string of very early writing mornings, my body and mind needed that sleep. I woke up a little before 9 to three little girls jumping on me. They were in their pajamas and winter hats. The baby was missing her pants. It was a perfect way to welcome the day.
They disappeared back downstairs. I splashed water on my face, woke up and came down and there were two pancakes left. Husband and the girls were on the white wood floors playing a My Little Pony matching game. The girls were all giggles. The baby kept doing naked-butted handstands. I smiled and fixed a cup of coffee. Ate those two pancakes with my hands, dipping them in a cup of syrup. They were delicious.
Husband ran an errand and the girls and I snuggled up on the couch. Each of them grabbed for a device - an iPad or a phone - and I decided not to feel bad about this. I dipped into a book I've had for a while, but hadn't begun reading. Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton. I read and read, mesmerized by her honesty, felt myself nodding, chirps from my girls in the background.
I popped up and turned on some music. Put my favorite song in the world - Winter Song by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson - on repeat. Settled back into my corner of the couch. Soaked up some more words, felt my bravery coming back.
These moments? These moments of goodness and clarity and humility and pajamas? They are just everything. To me, at least. In these pure moments, I know who I am, what I want.
Bear with me, guys. As I post and don't post. As I play it safe and smiley and then change it up and go there with the murky truth of it all.
I hope you are having good, life and love soaked days wherever you are, and wherever you are.
xoxo
PS - It appears that when I was busy sleeping in yesterday, someone was doing a little photo shoot with the cat. Handsome chap, no?
Do you ever find yourself holding back in life or online? How do you feel about sharing the good and hard stuff? Do you think there is a fine line between truth-telling and self-exploitation?